A boundary is a sentence about what you will do. A rule is a sentence about what they must do, and you cannot enforce one of those on another adult. Write two tonight: one about your home, one about your money or your time. Both must be things you can carry out on your own, without their agreement.
The test
Before you write anything, one question separates a boundary from a threat dressed up in kinder language.
**Would you still keep it if they never changed?**
If the answer is yes, it is a boundary. It protects you regardless of what anyone else does, and it does not need them to cooperate.
If the answer is no, and you would drop it the moment they had a good week, it is a lever. Levers get pulled, then released, then pulled harder, and everyone in the house learns that the line is negotiable. That is worse for both of you than having no line at all.
The second test is quieter and more important. **Can you actually carry it out?** A boundary you announce and do not enforce teaches the exact opposite of what you meant. Only write ones you can do this week, in the actual house you live in, with the actual money you have.
What they sound like
Two columns, same situation, entirely different sentences.
| Instead of | Try | |---|---| | "You are not drinking in this house any more." | "I am not going to sit with you while you drink. I will be upstairs." | | "You have to stop asking me for money." | "I am not lending money again. I will buy food and I will pay for a taxi to an appointment." | | "You need to be home by eleven." | "I lock up at eleven and I go to bed. I am not going to sit up waiting." | | "You cannot see the children when you are like this." | "The children come to my mum's for the night if you have been drinking. That is not a punishment and it is not up for discussion." |
Notice what changes. Every sentence on the right is about your own behaviour, so it does not need permission, and it does not have a winner and a loser attached to it.
Writing your two
Half an hour, on paper, in daylight.
- **Pick the thing that is actually hurting you,** not the thing that would fix them. Usually it is sleep, money, the children, or your own front door.
- **Write what you will do,** in the first person, with no "you" in the sentence at all. If you cannot write it without "you", it is a rule.
- **Check you can carry it out alone.** No boundary that requires them to agree, or requires someone else to police it.
- **Decide what happens the first time it is tested,** because it will be tested, probably within days. If the plan is vague, you will improvise at midnight and improvising at midnight goes badly.
- **Say it once, calmly, when nobody is intoxicated.** Once. Repeating it is arguing.
- **Then keep it,** including on the night when they are being lovely and it feels unnecessary. That night is the whole test.
Say it without the threat attached
The wording matters less than the absence of a countdown.
"I have decided I am not lending money any more. I love you and I am not doing that part." That is complete. It does not need "or else", it does not need a deadline, and it does not need a list of previous offences.
We are not going to script you an ultimatum, and you should be wary of any page that does. Nobody writing this can see the room you are standing in, whether the person opposite you gets frightening when cornered, whether you have somewhere to go, or what happens to the children on Tuesday. An ultimatum from a stranger on the internet is not advice, it is a gamble with your household. What you say about your own behaviour is yours to decide and yours to carry.
When they call it punishment
They may well. It will land as rejection, particularly early on, and they may say the thing designed to find the softest part of you: that you are giving up, that you never really supported them, that this is what pushes people back.
Two things are true at once. The hurt is real, and the boundary is still reasonable.
You can say so. "I am not doing this to punish you. I am doing it because I cannot keep going the way we have been." Then stop explaining. Long justifications invite negotiation, and once you are negotiating you have already turned your boundary into an opening bid.
It also helps to know that the words being thrown around here have a shakier history than people assume. "Enabling" and "codependency" both come from a 1970s model that treated families as pathological, and William White and William Miller are blunt about it: "There never has been a scientific basis for believing that people with substance use disorders, let alone their family members, possess a unique personality or character disorder." Nobody is qualified to grade you on this. [The enabling question, honestly](/guides/supporters/the-enabling-question-honestly) gives you a better test than the label.
The boundary that is not a boundary problem
There is a situation this article does not cover, and it is important that you can tell.
If setting a limit would put you in danger, if you are managing your own behaviour to avoid someone's reaction, if you have been careful about tone for so long that you no longer notice you are doing it, then what you are dealing with is not a difficult relationship that needs firmer edges. Coaching yourself to be clearer will not fix it and may not be safe.
The domestic abuse definition in UK law includes "controlling or coercive behaviour" and "economic abuse", and it "does not matter whether the behaviour consists of a single incident or a course of conduct". The National Domestic Abuse Helpline, run by Refuge, is **0808 2000 247**, free and 24 hours a day. The Men's Advice Line is **0808 8010 327**, Monday to Friday 10am to 5pm. Galop, for LGBT+ people, is **0800 999 5428**, Monday and Tuesday 9.15am to 8pm and Wednesday to Friday 9.15am to 4.30pm. [When it is not addiction, it is abuse](/guides/supporters/when-it-is-not-addiction-it-is-abuse) is the piece to read next.
One boundary that is only about you
Whatever else you write, write this one: something in your week that is yours, that does not move because of what they did last night.
The research on family coping is quiet but consistent on this point. Among partners, "put yourself first, took care of yourself" was rated at least a little helpful by 90% and "pursued your own interests" by 89%, while arguing about the addiction sat at the bottom. That study measures perceived helpfulness rather than a randomised outcome, so treat it as a signal rather than a proof. It is still the opposite of how most supporters spend a Tuesday.
Common questions
**Is a boundary the same as an ultimatum?** No. An ultimatum sets a condition on someone else's behaviour and threatens a consequence. A boundary describes your own behaviour and needs nobody's consent. The practical difference is that you can keep a boundary on a bad night without a confrontation.
**What if I set one and immediately cave?** Common, and not fatal. Notice what made it collapse, because it is usually one specific pressure: a phone call at midnight, a crying child, the fear of what happens if you say no. Fix that one condition, then reset the boundary. Do not add three more to compensate.
**Do boundaries help them get better?** That is not what they are for, and building them for that reason is how they become levers. There is decent evidence that how a family responds changes the odds of someone entering treatment, and [how to raise it without a row](/guides/supporters/how-to-raise-it-without-a-row) covers that method. Your boundaries exist because you need them.
**Should I write them down and give them the list?** Write them down for yourself. Handing over a document tends to read as a charge sheet and invites a clause-by-clause argument. Say the relevant one, once, in the moment it applies.
**What if we have children?** Then their safety is the first boundary and it is not negotiable, which usually means having somewhere else for them to be, decided in advance rather than at 11pm.
Sources
- [White and Miller, Confrontation in Addiction Treatment](https://cmcffc.org/wp-content/uploads/2022/06/Confrontation-in-Addiction-Treatment.pdf). The origins of "enabling" and "codependency", and the absence of a scientific basis for a family character disorder.
- [Coping strategies used by partners, PMC](https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC7531869/). Self-focused coping rated most helpful, arguing rated least.
- [Domestic Abuse Act 2021, section 1](https://www.legislation.gov.uk/ukpga/2021/17/section/1). What counts as abusive behaviour in UK law, including coercive control and economic abuse.
- [Orford, The experiences of affected family members, 2012](https://www.gjcpp.org/en/resource.php?issue=10&resource=47). Family members as ordinary people coping with stressful circumstances.
