Do the arithmetic before the conversation. Every balance, every buy now pay later plan, every twenty pounds borrowed from a friend, written on one piece of paper with a total at the bottom. Then say it to one person in one sentence, with the paper in your hand. "I owe £6,400 and I've been hiding it." The written total is what stops this becoming a drip of new revelations over the next month.
The hiding is doing more damage than the money
You already know the number is bad. What is easier to miss is how much work the concealment is doing to keep the spending going.
Hiding it needs parcels opened in the car, deliveries timed for an empty house, a story about the overdraft, statements deleted, and a running mental ledger of who has seen what. All of that is effort, and all of it maintains the conditions in which the next order is possible. The secrecy is not a side effect of the problem. It is the part holding it up.
There is a second cost that people underestimate. Being the only person who knows the real figure is exhausting in a way that has nothing to do with money, and a lot of the dread you are carrying belongs to the secret rather than to the debt.
First, get to a number you will not have to correct
The most common way this goes wrong is telling somebody a figure that turns out to be wrong three days later. Not because you lied again, but because you genuinely did not know.
Give it forty minutes, alone, with a pen.
- **Log in to everything.** Current accounts and overdrafts. Every credit card. Every buy now pay later app, including the one you used once. Loans. Catalogue accounts. The store card from the sofa.
- **Write the outstanding balance next to each name.** Not the minimum payment. The balance.
- **Add the money owed to people.** Your sister, the friend who thought it was for the car, the colleague. These get left off and these are the ones that detonate later.
- **Total it, and then work out the monthly figure.** What has to leave your account every month to service all of it. That second number is usually the one that makes the situation legible to somebody else, and to you.
Buy now pay later is where most people are wrong about themselves, and always in the same direction, because one order becomes four instalments and four orders across three apps become twelve payments on nine dates with no screen anywhere showing the sum. [There is a proper method for that part](/guides/spending/buy-now-pay-later-and-the-blur).
Unpleasant, and finite. Forty minutes, once.
Who to tell
One person whose reaction you can survive. It does not have to be your partner and it does not have to be tonight.
A sibling, a friend, a parent, or a free debt adviser. Ringing StepChange on 0800 138 1111 counts as telling somebody, and it has the advantage that they have heard bigger numbers this morning and will respond with a process rather than a face. Practising the sentence once with a professional makes the second telling considerably less frightening.
If it is going to be a partner, tell somebody else first anyway. Going into that conversation having said the number out loud once already is worth more than any amount of rehearsal in your head.
How to say it
**Lead with the number.** Not the context, not how it started, not the explanation. "I owe £6,400 and I've been hiding it from you." Then stop talking. People can absorb a figure. They cannot absorb twenty minutes of preamble they can tell is heading somewhere bad.
**Tell all of it at once.** Disclosure that arrives in instalments destroys trust that could otherwise have been rebuilt, and it is the single most avoidable mistake here. That is what the paper is for. Read from it.
**Say what you have already done.** "I've deleted every saved card and I've got an appointment with StepChange on Thursday" turns a confession into a report. If you have not done that yet, do it first. It takes an evening and it is [set out here](/guides/spending/putting-friction-between-you-and-checkout).
**Do not promise the future.** "I'll never do it again" is the sentence you will be held to and it is not in your gift tonight. "I've put these three things in place and I'm getting advice" is both truer and more reassuring.
Then let them react. Anger is somebody discovering a real loss in real time, and it is not the last conversation you will have about this.
What to ask for
People want to help and usually do not know how, so be specific and make it practical rather than emotional.
Useful asks: hold my card for a month. Come to the debt appointment with me. Take over the account the wages land in for now. Ask me on Sunday how the week went, rather than never mentioning it.
Unhelpful asks: forgive me tonight. Tell me it is not that bad.
If they ask whether they are liable
They may. If your name is the only one on the agreements, or if there are joint accounts involved, the answer is genuinely situation-specific, and it is a question for a free adviser rather than for a web page. StepChange will answer it on the phone for nothing: 0800 138 1111, Monday to Friday, 8am to 8pm.
While you are there, ask about the order of repayment. Citizens Advice explains that ["priority debts" are debts that can cause you particularly serious problems if you don't do anything about them](https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/debt-and-money/help-with-debt/dealing-with-your-debts/work-out-which-debts-to-deal-with-first/), and rent, mortgage, council tax, energy and court fines all sit ahead of the credit card sending you three emails a day. If you live in England or Wales, an adviser can also apply for [Breathing Space](https://www.gov.uk/options-for-paying-off-your-debts/breathing-space) on your behalf, which gives "temporary protection for up to 60 days". You cannot apply for it yourself. [The first plan is here](/guides/spending/facing-the-debt-a-first-plan).
If saying it feels impossible
Shame about money is heavy and it is worth taking seriously rather than pushing through alone.
Samaritans is **116 123**, free, any hour, and debt is a very ordinary thing to ring them about. NHS 111 has a mental health option if you need urgent support. In immediate danger, **999**.
Common questions
**Should I tell my partner about my debt?** Almost always, and sooner is better, because the concealment is part of what keeps the spending going and discovery hurts far more than disclosure. Get the real total written down first, have one or two obstacles already in place, and say it in a single conversation.
**How do I tell someone how much I owe?** Lead with the number, read from a written list so nothing gets forgotten and remembered later, say what you have already done about it, and ask for one specific practical thing. Keep it to one sitting.
**What if I do not know the real total?** Then finding it is the first job, and it takes about forty minutes of logging in to everything. Nearly everybody who does this discovers the buy now pay later plans were the gap, because no screen anywhere adds them up for you.
**Is it better to fix it first and tell them afterwards?** No. Fixing it quietly usually means borrowing to cover borrowing, and it extends the secret while the number grows. Free advice first, disclosure second, repayment plan third.
Sources
- [Citizens Advice, Work out which debts to deal with first](https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/debt-and-money/help-with-debt/dealing-with-your-debts/work-out-which-debts-to-deal-with-first/). The definition of priority debts and which debts come first.
- [GOV.UK, Breathing Space (Debt Respite Scheme)](https://www.gov.uk/options-for-paying-off-your-debts/breathing-space). Up to 60 days of protection in England and Wales, applied for through a debt adviser rather than directly.
- [StepChange Debt Charity](https://www.stepchange.org/). Free and impartial debt advice.
- [NHS, Addiction: what is it?](https://www.nhs.uk/live-well/addiction-support/addiction-what-is-it/). Addiction as loss of control to the point where it could be harmful to you.
