Say one sentence and say it once. "I've stopped smoking, so I'm not having one." No date, no story, no promise about forever. Then decide before you get to the pub or the smoking area what you are going to do there, because deciding at the door is a decision you will lose.
The hard part of this is not the announcement. It is the ten minutes outside the back door that you are about to lose, and the person who offers you one anyway.
Why you say it out loud at all
You could just quietly not smoke. Some people do.
The reason to tell someone is that it changes what the next offer costs you. If nobody knows, every cigarette offered is a fresh private negotiation, and you are running that negotiation twenty times a week while badly slept and short-tempered. If three people know, most of those offers never get made.
There is a second reason. NHS Stop Smoking Services build weekly contact into the first four weeks for exactly this reason. Someone expecting to hear how you got on is not a sentimental extra, it is the part of the service doing quiet work. Telling a friend is the free, small version of the same thing.
The sentence
Keep it flat and keep it short.
*"I've stopped smoking. I'm not having one, but I'm still coming out with you."*
That is the whole script. Note the second half, because it does the most work. It says the friendship is not the thing you are cutting out, which is the fear most people are actually reacting to when they push back.
Three variants for the situations that need them.
- To a colleague: *"I've stopped. I'll still come out for the break if you want the company."*
- To someone who offers you one: *"No thanks, I've stopped."* Then change the subject yourself. Do not leave a gap for the conversation about it.
- To a partner who still smokes: *"I've stopped. I'm not asking you to. What would help is not keeping them where I can see them."*
Ask for one specific thing
"Support me" means nothing and nobody knows how to do it. Ask for something a person can actually perform.
- Do not offer me one, even as a joke, for the next month.
- Do not smoke in the car with me in it.
- Ask me on Sunday how the week went, and then let it go.
- Keep yours out of the kitchen drawer.
One request each. People will do a specific small thing. They will not do a vague large one.
The smoking break is a real loss
This is the part of quitting that nobody warns you about and everybody feels.
The break was ten minutes off, outside, with the two or three people you actually talk to. Losing the cigarette also loses the timing, the excuse and the company, and if you replace nothing you will find yourself at your desk at three o'clock, unaccountably miserable, blaming nicotine.
So keep the break. Go out at the same time. Take a coffee, take your phone, take the fast-acting NRT, and stand there for the same ten minutes. Some people find the first few breaks like that unbearable and stop going. If that is you, replace the slot instead: a walk round the block, the same two people, same time. Keep the shape, drop the cigarette.
If it is the automatic pairing rather than the company that is catching you, [the cigarettes you do not notice](/guides/nicotine/the-cigarettes-you-dont-notice) goes through breaking those.
The pub, and "go on, just one"
Decide before you go. Not what you will say, what you will do.
Alcohol removes the part of you that had a plan. That is not a moral observation, it is the reason the first three or four nights out are the highest risk in the whole quit. So make the decisions at home: whether you are drinking, how long you are staying, where the NRT is, and who you have told.
Then the offer comes. There are three kinds of person making it.
**The polite one**, who has not thought about it. "No thanks, I've stopped" ends it permanently.
**The insistent one**, who thinks they are being generous. Repeat the same sentence in the same tone. Do not add reasons, because reasons are an invitation to argue with them.
**The one who wants you to fail.** They exist, usually because your quitting is doing something uncomfortable to them about their own smoking. Nothing you say will fix that. Move along the bar.
After you have told them
Two things you do not owe anyone.
You do not owe them a running commentary. If you would rather not be asked every day, say so once: "I'll tell you when I hit a month."
And you do not owe them a confession if you slip. Tell your adviser, tell the one person who is actually helping, and skip the rest. A slip is a slip, and [you had one, what now](/guides/nicotine/you-had-one-what-now) is the page for that hour rather than a group announcement.
Some people find it easier to have the day count and the wobbles logged somewhere private on their phone rather than kept in their head or broadcast. That is what Renovyn is for, alongside a stop smoking service rather than instead of one.
What to do this week
- Pick one person and say the sentence today.
- Ask them for one specific thing.
- Decide what happens to your break time, and put it in the calendar.
- Decide the pub plan before the next night out, including whether you are drinking.
- Put the fast-acting NRT in the pocket you actually use.
Common questions
Do I have to tell anyone at all?
No. But telling two or three people cuts the number of offers you have to refuse, and gives you somewhere to say "today was hard" other than into your own head. If you would rather it stayed private, tell a stop smoking adviser and nobody else. That still counts.
What do I say when someone offers me one?
"No thanks, I've stopped." Then change the subject. Adding reasons invites a debate, and you do not need to win a debate at eleven at night.
I only smoked with other people. Is that different?
It is a social habit rather than a solitary one, so the work is in the situations rather than in the evenings at home. Keep the situations and change what you do in them, rather than avoiding your friends for a month and then arriving back with no plan.
My partner smokes. What now?
Ask for one concrete thing, not for them to quit. Where the cigarettes live, whether they smoke in the car, whether they offer you one. If they want to quit too, an NHS service will see you both, and it is free.
Sources
- [NHS Stop Smoking Services help you quit](https://www.nhs.uk/live-well/quit-smoking/nhs-stop-smoking-services-help-you-quit/). What a free service includes, weekly support, and how to be referred by a GP, pharmacist or health visitor.
- [NHS Better Health, Quit smoking](https://www.nhs.uk/better-health/quit-smoking/). The 28 day milestone and the free NHS Quit Smoking app.
- [Smokefree.gov, Withdrawal](https://smokefree.gov/challenges-when-quitting/withdrawal). How long the worst of withdrawal lasts, which is roughly how long the social pressure is hardest to hold.
