No contact holds when you close the routes rather than rely on resolve. Tonight, list every channel between you, including the ones you've forgotten about, and shut them one at a time. Then write down what you'll do on the evening it collapses, because at some point it will. That plan is the part most people skip.
Why you keep caving
You've probably already tried this. You lasted four days, then six, then you checked their story at 1am and the whole thing reset. You didn't fail at it. That's what happens when the plan is "don't", and "don't" has to be re-decided every hour while you're tired.
There's also a design problem nobody talks about. What you actually want is friction against one specific person, and almost no mainstream tool does that. Phones block a number. They can't block the second account, the mutual friend's story, or the six other doors that stay wide open. The whole burden lands on you at the hour your judgement is worst.
The useful frame comes from attachment research rather than addiction language. A [systematic review and meta-analysis](https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC12284683/) of 15 studies covering 3,628 people found anxious attachment correlated with what the literature calls love addiction at r = 0.39, while avoidant attachment sat at r = -0.09. Read that as an alarm system rather than a defect. Closing a door doesn't silence the alarm. It stops the alarm from being able to act.
Close every channel, in this order
Do this in one sitting, tonight, on paper or in a note. Take the whole sweep, because the door you leave open is the door you'll use.
- **The phone.** Block the number, then check for a second number or a work one. Delete the contact card so the name doesn't autocomplete when you're half asleep.
- **Messaging apps.** WhatsApp, Signal, Telegram, iMessage, Instagram DMs, Snapchat, Discord, Facebook Messenger. Each one is a separate block. Blocking on one does nothing to the others.
- **Every social platform, including the awkward ones.** The main accounts are easy. The ones people forget: LinkedIn, Spotify, Strava, Goodreads, Letterboxd, Venmo or Monzo activity feeds, dating apps where they'll surface again, and the group chats you're both still in.
- **Mutual friends' content.** You don't need to unfriend anyone. Mute the two or three people whose stories reliably contain them, and tell one of them: "please don't update me about them, even if you think it's good news."
- **Shared accounts and logins.** Streaming profiles that show what they watched last night. A shopping account with their order history. A photo album that still syncs. Family plans on phones or music.
- **The archive.** Photos, saved voice notes, the screenshot folder, the email thread. Move it into one folder tonight, name it something dull, and bury it four taps deep.
- **The notes app.** The drafts you write and don't send. Keep writing them, but move the file off your home screen.
- **The second account.** The one you made to look. You know the one. Delete it, because muting it will not survive week three.
- **Search and autocomplete.** Clear their name from your browser history and search suggestions. Typing three letters and having the profile appear is a door too.
- **Write the rule down.** One sentence saying what contact is allowed and what isn't. A rule you can read at 1am beats a resolution you made at noon.
Most people can do the whole list in about forty minutes. [Shield](/shield) can hold some of it across your phone and laptop.
The collapse plan
Assume it fails once. Planning for that is the difference between a bad hour and starting over from day zero.
Write these four things down now, while you're calm:
- **The evening it will go wrong.** You already know when. A Friday with nothing on. The date that meant something. Name it, and put something in the diary for that night.
- **Who you text instead.** One name, agreed with them in advance, who knows what the message means. "Code red" is enough. They don't have to say anything clever.
- **What you do with the draft.** Write the message in full, read it out loud, and leave it unsent. The urge is mostly the urge to be understood, and getting the words out does much of that work.
- **What happens if you send it anyway.** Decide now: no restarting the count, no punishment. Write down what set it off, and close the channel you used. [Here's what to do if you already texted them](/guides/love_relationship/you-texted-them-what-now).
When you can't go no contact
Two situations make full no contact impossible, and pretending otherwise sets people up to fail.
**You share children.** Contact is required and it isn't going away. Narrow it to logistics only: one written channel, and messages that would read fine to a third party. No history, no feelings, no hints, no explaining yourself. Everything else goes to a friend or a page. A parenting app that keeps a record helps some people, mostly because it removes the temptation to add one more line.
**You work together.** Same principle. Reduce to what the job requires, and keep it in shared channels rather than DMs. Skip the coffee. Don't debrief with colleagues who know you both. Expect this to take longer than it would if you could disappear, and don't read the extra time as failure.
When the pull comes after a good day
Most advice assumes you'll break on your worst night. Plenty of people break on their best one.
You got the job. You made a joke that landed. You felt like yourself for the first time in weeks, and the first thought was that you want to tell them. The impulse makes sense. One person has been your default place to put news, and that reflex outlives the relationship by months.
The fix is small and boring. Pick the person you'll tell instead, now, before the good thing happens. Then send it within the first minute. A few weeks of that and the reflex moves.
For why the good days pull as hard as the bad ones, [intermittent reward](/guides/love_relationship/intermittent-reward-and-why-you-cant-let-go) explains it, and [being on your own without panicking](/guides/love_relationship/being-on-your-own-without-panicking) covers the empty evenings.
A note on the labels
You'll meet the word "codependent" fast once you start reading about this, and the construct is contested. It has never appeared in any edition of the DSM, there's no agreed definition, and the criteria are drawn widely enough that almost anyone in a relationship could meet them. Critics also note that the label lands mostly on women and tends to add guilt. Groups still help. [Co-Dependents Anonymous UK](https://codauk.org/) describes itself as "a fellowship of people whose common purpose is to develop healthy relationships," and SMART Recovery UK runs secular meetings on 0330 053 6022.
If leaving isn't safe
If contact is being forced on you, or going quiet feels dangerous, that needs proper help rather than a blocking guide.
- **National Domestic Abuse Helpline** (run by Refuge): 0808 2000 247, 24 hours a day, every day.
- **Men's Advice Line**, for male victims including trans and non-binary people: 0808 801 0327, weekdays 10am to 5pm.
- **Galop**, for LGBT+ people: 0800 999 5428, Monday and Tuesday 9.15am to 8pm, Wednesday to Friday 9.15am to 4.30pm.
- **Samaritans**: 116 123, any time.
- In an emergency, 999.
Common questions
**How long does the no contact rule take to work?** There's no reliable number, and anyone quoting you thirty or sixty days is making it up. The urges get further apart before they get weaker, so count the gaps rather than the days.
**What if they contact me first?** Decide the answer before it happens, because you won't decide well in the moment. Reading it and not replying is a legitimate choice, and so is not reading it at all.
**How do I stop checking my phone for their message?** Remove the thing you're checking for. Notifications off, the app off your home screen, and the phone charging in another room overnight. Checking is a habit loop with a physical trigger, so change the physical part first.
**Is it working if I still think about them constantly?** Yes. The thinking usually outlasts the behaviour by a long way, and waiting to stop wanting them before you stop contacting them gets the order backwards.
Sources
- [Love addiction and attachment styles: a systematic review and meta-analysis](https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC12284683/). 15 studies, 3,628 participants, anxious attachment r = 0.39, avoidant r = -0.09.
- [Addicted to love? Validity evidence for the Love Addiction Inventory, Brazilian version (2025)](https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC12044147/). Behavioural addictions of this kind are not official diagnoses in DSM-5-TR or ICD-11.
- [Co-Dependents Anonymous UK](https://codauk.org/). The fellowship's own description and membership requirement.
- [National Domestic Abuse Helpline, Refuge](https://www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk/). 0808 2000 247, 24 hours a day, 365 days a year.
